REGISTERING to read an internet newspaper?!

To Whom It May Concern:

Accessing your website via the internet, I was
somewhat surprised to read that in order to continue
to a page beyond the front page, I had to BECOME A
REGISTERED USER with your website.

Believing that turn-around is fair play, and
following the lead of many newspaper registration
forms, in order for your newspaper to be read by me,
your paper will be required to BECOME A REGISTERED
NEWS PROVIDER. Therefore, here, based on combined
forms from various internet newspapers, is the
registration process:
_________________________________________

BECOME A REGISTERED NEWS PROVIDER

PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT TO TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF!

By completing this simple one-time
registration (but if you are repeatedly
asked to register with me, CLICK HERE so
that I can help you), you'll gain instant
access to my mental demographics and
interactive reading habits (as they do change
daily).

Concerned about privacy? I understand.
However, while not ignoring but simultaneously
ignoring the definition of "privacy,"
some of the following questions are
very personal. Please be assured that I
respect your privacy and will safeguard
your personal information by keeping it on
my computer. Please understand that your
personal information will occasionally be
open to hackers or members of my family
as well as friends of members of my
family who are not authorized to gather
information.

Wondering why I've asked you to register?
Your registering will help me improve my
reading skills and better understand what
you have written. For more information
about registration, CLICK OVER THERE.

*'d fields indicate a Required Field.

1. Please set up your account information.
(OK, so I've changed 'registration' to
'account.' Not to worry. At this point, no
money is required. [Pay no attention to
the man behind the curtain.])

PRIVACY NOTICE
I never intentionally share your personal
information with third parties without your
explicit permission.
You won't receive communication from anyone
other than myself or my Website as a result
of registering with me, but those
communications may be on any subject
I deem worthy. Read my PRIVACY POLICY.

*Name ______________________________________

*E-mail Address ____________________________

*Confirm E-mail Address_____________________

*Please confirm the confirmation____________

*Create A Password__________________________

*Confirm Password___________________________

Confirm the confirmation of your password___

*Gender SELECT__ Confirm SELECTION___
Send picture

*Birth Year SELECT __ Prove it! __
Send Birth Certificate, with Social Security
and Drivers License Numbers.

*Mailing Address____________________________

____________________________________________

____________________________________________

*City______________________ *State _________

*County ____________________________________
UNITED STATES

*Zip Code __________________________________

Telephone __________________________________
(You can either fill in the telephone number
or we can look it up, your choice.)

Does your Email allow for HTML? ___________
(Not that I am going to flood your email with
anything, right?)

2. PLEASE PROVIDE ADDITIONAL INFORMATION

Select your favorite hobbies or
interests on which you base articles to
appear in your newspaper. Make as many
selections as you like. Note: The primary
reason I ask this question is to better
organize my reading habits.

Automotive __
Automotive Competitions __
Accurate Attributions __
Boating __
Boating competitions __
Books/Literature __
News People Creating News __
Computers/Technology __
ISP Competitions __
Cooking __
Cook-offs __
Corrections __
Decorating __
Entertainment/Movies __
Fris-tianity__
Gardening __
Gay Bashing __
Black Bashing __
Bubba Bashing __
Golf __
Golf Competitions __
Health and Fitness __
Home Electronics __
Home Improvement __
Internet/Computer Games __
Investigative Reporting __
Indepth Interviews and Reporting __
Inflamatory Reporting __
Interpretations to fit your agenda __
Literal reporting __
Reporting Competitions __
Music __
Money __
Making Money __
Making Lots of Money __
Manipulating the News __
Non-biased Interpretation of Events __
Outdoor Activities __
Politically Biased Reporting __
Political Rhetoric __
Prejudicial Subjects __
Prison Executions ___
Drive-by Executions ___
Home Executions ___
See-Me Events __
Shallow Investigative Reporting __
Shopping __
Slightly Altered Interpretations __
Sports __
Sports Facts __
Sports Statistics __
Sports Chum __
Stock Market/Finance __
Stock Market Gambling __
Summary Reporting __
Travel __
Vanity Events __
War and its entertainment value __
Who wore what __
Who married who __
Who divorced who __


To registered newspapers, I will offer, from
time-to-time, valuable advice and brilliant
observations of my city-county-state-country-
world operations, or lack thereof, and of
businesses within my community. This
registration will assist me in the focus of
such commentary.

Typically, how do you distribute your
newspaper? Do you give-away copies of your
daily publication? Do you confer free
subscriptions on randomly picked
residents?
Are these free subscriptions and
distrubutions considered as part of your
circulation figures?
Are your advertising prices based on
these combined circulation figures?

Do you require Newpapers through Vending
Machine buyers to Become Registered Users?
Readers at the Public Library?
Buyers at convenience stores, grocery
stores or other Retail Outlets?


What was your profit for the year
2003? ________________
2004? ________________
2005? ________________


This registration will only be required
of newspapers that want me to apply my
reading skills to their efforts,
regardless of their distribution methods
or profit motives.
Newspapers that are available only
through vending machines or free
subscriptions will also be required to
become Registered Newspapers.

Until such time as this registration
form has been received and approved by
me, all links to your newspaper site
have been removed from my computer.

I look forward to becoming an avid
reader, commentator, complainer and
well-wisher for your Newspaper.
Accepted registrants will be notified
via email, eventually.